Military Wife

This is an article assignment I completed for my BYU communication's class. We were told to write a "feature" article, based on someone we knew and admired. I chose to do mine on an old friend, Bridgette Velasquez, whom I knew in elementary school back when I lived in Washington state. She has gone through incredible experiences, and has the cutest family to show for it. :)

Thanks Bridgette Velasquez, Jeffery Raby, Kelly Velasquez, and Dr. Alan Hansen for your help with writing this article.

Military Wife

      It felt cramped in the gym. Children and wives crowded nearly every space of the hardwood floor. Some of the children stared vacantly with glazed-over eyes; they were usually asleep at two in the morning. Others fidgeted with obvious anticipation, their energy almost tangible.  The anxiety and eagerness blanketed the air like a thick fog.  When would the plane arrive?

      For Bridgette Velasquez, 19, a cosmetologist from Auburn, Wash., the wait was the hardest part. Minutes felt like hours, and hours, eons. There was a television, but the show didn’t offer much distraction.

      But then, the screen changed. Now it featured a military plane. Life buzzed through the packed room. The plane was landing!

 Bridgette stared at the screen, completely entranced. Her fiancé, Jeffery Raby, was only minutes away from her. She was finally going to see him.

      Then, it was as if the room exploded. As the soldiers entered the gym, excited toddler-screams erupted from different parts of the room. Joyful tears started as hiccups and then crescendoed into a background buzz of sobs.

      Bridgette searched the teeming room frantically, weaving in and out of eager children, embracing couples, and American soldiers. She found her way to a staircase and began to climb down, constantly searching.

Then she found him. He was looking at her, smiling. It had been seven months since she had seen that smile. It was the one that reached all the way into his eyes, so his whole face was smiling. It was the one that always made her smile back.

She ran to him as fast as she could, although it felt more like swimming as she maneuvered around all the bodies.

And then he was there, in front of her. They embraced. And the kiss? It was like the first kiss all over again.

Bridgette’s story is similar to millions of other women. According to Mark Benjamin, a reporter with Salon.com’s Washington bureau, over a million soldiers have been deployed for war since 9/11. In fact, in 2005 the exact figure had already reached 1,048,884.

Each of those numbers represents a soldier: a soldier with a mother, and sometimes a girlfriend, or fiancée, or wife, or children. That equals a lot of women waiting for their soldier to come home safely. Their story has become an integral, if less explored, part of America’s post 9/11 war history.

For Bridgette, her reunion with Jeffery was everything she had hoped for, but the journey there was far from easy.

They met in May 2009 through her sister’s husband, Kristipher Buchanan, who worked with Jeffery. Jeffery had just returned from serving a year in Afghanistan. Bridgette immediately found him funny and cute, and she loved the way he could make her smile.

Bridgette fondly recalls the day the two met as one of the best dates she’s ever had with him.  They spent the day on a Washington lake jet skiing. After the sunset, they cuddled by a fire and listened to the crackling of the flames.

“We clicked right away; he was like my best friend,” Bridgette said.

Her favorite thing about Jeffery, Bridgette said, is how he helps her feel safe and secure. Bridgette was afraid of having their first baby, Jason Arnold. She was 18 when she was pregnant with him. She came from a religious family, and she had dreams of going to a soccer school.

“It wasn’t the way I should’ve had a kid,” Bridgette said. But Jeffery was beside her, holding her hand throughout the entire pregnancy.

But it wouldn’t last forever.

Jayson was born on December 10^th. Jeffery had to deport – for a second time – on January 28^th. He would be going to Iraq this time.

For Jeffery, watching his first and only son grow up via Skype and Facebook was no easy thing.

“It was hard. I got upset because I would see everyone else doing things I should have been doing with him,” Jeffery said.

He coped by escaping to the gym. It helped train his body and his mind.

“I had to make sure my mind was straight, because if it wasn’t the guys I worked for could get hurt,” Jeffery said.

Jeffery would also go to the church services his military unit provided for the soldiers. He regularly reminded his friend, who was experiencing some difficult times between him and his wife, that things would get back to the way they were once they were all home. A lot of the soldiers in Jeffery’s unit had women and children waiting for them back home, and they would often talk about it together.

Jeffery and Bridgette made sure they Skyped nearly every night. There were only a few times, when Jeffery was out on a mission for a week, when he couldn’t talk to her.

When asked what he missed the most during those long seven months, Jeffery replied, “I missed being able to hold her.”

On the other side of the globe, life was no less painful for Bridgette. Jeffery was gone. She was learning how to be a mom for the first time. And she was going to school.

Depression settled in. At one point, her parents took Jayson for a week, because she couldn’t care for him on her own. Bridgette also began seeing a doctor.

Her largest support, however, was her family.

“I couldn’t have done it without them," she said. "They were always there taking off work to be home with me.”

For Bridgette’s mom, Kelly Velasquez, also from Auburn, Wash., that seven-month period was a difficult time. Kelly helped her daughter cope and adjust by babysitting Jayson while Bridgette was at school and by supporting her daughter however she could. Bridgette also lived with her family, making it easier for herself and her family to help each other.

It was truly a time of family support.

Kelly advises other families who are helping loved ones cope with separation to have faith and communication.

“It’s okay to lean on friends and family. Take help when offered. It’s okay to ask for help.” Kelly said.

The first two months were the hardest for her daughter, Kelly remembered. Bridgette cried the most then.

But, those two months passed, as did the next five. Now, Bridgette and Jeffery enjoy escaping into the Washington mountains to ride quads and dirt bikes. They go on many family outings. For example, they went boating, saw a local hockey game, and took their son to the pumpkin patch to celebrate his first Halloween month. Each day their own relationship – and their relationship with little Jayson – grows as they build love and memories.

Alan Hansen, a psychologist in Provo, Utah, advises any long-separated couple to be patient and take time to rebuild their relationships.

Hansen suggests that couples prioritize all their relationships. If they are religious, he recommends they put their relationships with God, their spouse, and their children above all others.

 Time needs to be budgeted for their top-priority relationships, Hansen advises couples.

“Take time to pray and meditate," he said. "Take time to talk as husband and wife without having other distractions. That may mean getting a babysitter and making sure you have a weekly date together, as well as a daily conversation when the baby is asleep.”

For military fathers who are building relationships with children, Hansen recommends taking personal father/child time as well.

“Dad might want to schedule running errands with his son [or daughter] or have a daily fun interaction or McDonald’s breakfast once a week or something that allows them a little one on one time,” he said.

To the millions of women who have loved ones serving overseas, Bridgette also has some advice:

“Find a hobby. Get all the support you can. Write in a journal, it helped me. There are support wife groups out there that help you talk to people who have gone through [the separation] before. It’s hard but you feel good about yourself and it just makes you stronger.”

And indeed, for Jeffery and Bridgette, the experience has made them stronger. And for Jeffery, the best parts about being back home are also the simplest of parts of life: being able to hold his son whenever he wants, and waking up each morning next to the love of his life.